cHeF dE sUeH wAh’S bLoG

The weathers real cold and feeling really strange after taking 2 morphine filled painkillers perscribed by the surgeon.

Damn! Its sure making me relaxed but cant sleep.

Tot i lost the pills yesterday and went to the polyclinic and wanted to ask for more. Taking this thing and get caught will land yourself into deep shit i shall warn you. Morphine is a Class A drug that might land you into the hangmans moose.

Back to the topic. Wanted to redress the wound and hopefully replace the morphine pills as i have skipped several doses cos i left the pills under my hydro pack (water in cups spill twice a day) and cant find them. After getting to the clinic, i requested for a wheel chair and its the non ‘kiao kah’ one. Damn! How to sit that thing since cannot kiao kah(elevate the injured leg in some cases like mine). So i stuck to my clutches and went to the doctor. After the consulting the doctor whom declined me morphine but some useless general low grade pain killers which are better than nothing.

Then there is this chinese budhist monk in his 70s on a wheel chair asking me why am i on clutches with a smile. I replied that i fell. You take care of yourself. And whats your religeon? He asked. I replied buddhism. Eat more vegetables. I will pray a good recovery for you. I was touched for such a simple gesture have given me a better will to live my life to the fullest with strangers caring for me.

Went for a smoke while waiting to go to the dressing room when i found that the stone benches are all filled with fucking uncles just staring at me. Great! Singaporeans that dont even fuck care. When this auntie is just sitting there with her husband offered her seat and asked what happend to my leg. And here it goes again. I fell down. But this time, this auntie asked a little more. What they did to my knee in the treatment? I replied that they put in some inserts into my knee and will bio-degrade in 2 years time. Thanking the auntie before she left.

There i went to the dressing room not knowing how to open the door with two hands filled with clutches. So i opened the door a little and asked for help. So there was the nurse 2 heads shorter than me(haha i know i should not laugh but shes really short) . I was told to lie on the bed hip high and i rejected since its sooo high that i cant get up. And the nurse screamed at me. I was like what the fuck! Ok lo. She lowered the bed and i got up. Removed the crepe bandage and the padding, revealing the blood stained butterfly taped on my 3 inch long stich, 1 hole that look as good as getting stabbed by a pen and 2 x 1inch sticthes.

Got the butterfly tape out was pretty painful and the nurse got some antiseptic lotion applying them not so gentlely, drying them up with gauze and finishing with opsite sheet and gauze on the 3 inch long wound and opsite spray on the smaller wounds.

Great! Can bathe without wrapping my knee in garbage bags and duct tape.

Went to the pharmacy for the painkillers which were actually some no use sleeping pills, nausea and gastric pills.

There, i was making an excuse to get out of the polyclinic ASAP to the receptionist. After getting the que number getting out of the super squeezy line, the whole pharmacy was so damn packed with no seats ever gonna be vacant. Dammit i said to myself. This time, i will have a real bad day. Theres this ah soh in her 80s gave up her seat to me that i was reluctant to have it since she look more in need of the seat than me. Some poor fucks with fake LV bag and rose pink lip stick just stare. As thou she owns the seat which is sticked with PLEASE GIVE THIS SEAT TO THE ELDERLY and something like that. Fuck man! Can you fucking read miss fakey?

I am left with no choice but to take the seat the ah soh gave me thanking her profusely. One thing PM Lee didnt mention on national day rally apart from keeping the right lane clear on the esclator, kiao kah in the bus and so on. Its to give up your fucking seats to the more needed.

Like what Anthony Bourdain said in A cooks tour, stock brokers, white collars. Get your ass off the seats and let the more deserved have it. I shall say that i agree to it. You are seatting on a comfy chair for the last 8 hours of work while its a priverlage to have our asses on the chair for 5 minutes during work.

Its been 72 hours since i have last stood up, walking without any aid. Damn the clutches. At least i regained my sense of feel on my right feet making me easier to walk around.

The op was pretty bad after like 20 minutes of suffering on 2 x 100ml jabs to numb my right leg before the op begun.

Was to report to Alexandra Hospital at 0830hrs on 150808 and was there by then. Went to ward 1 where i was told to change into surgical gown topped with a kimono wrap. Waited till 0915 when i dont see anyone approaching me, wanted to go for a puff. Damn! I was stopped and watched how patients went out of the room. To be excorted out by doctors or nurses. There, i spotted 3 trainee doctors who are having their orientation. So i sneaked out of the ward when they were getting out of the ward. There i was! Wearing a fucking ugly kimono going for a puff.

Getting back into the ward, i wanted to poo. Yeah. That was the last time in 72 hours that i poo’ed’. Some MBBS india nurse in surgical suit completed with some SARS looking shoe wrap was looking for me. And there we go. Went to the operation theatere where i gotta remove my boxers. Damn! Wearing a fucking skirt like thing walking around the world. Walkin into the doctors changing area, which look like some pig sty, clothes hanging everywhere and getting stared by some fuck faced trainee doctors. Damn. He was the one who called me to breath as hard as i could.

After waiting for god knows how long and listening to a staff nurse who reminded me of Sydney in shatec. Damn kao bei telling the vietnamese or maybe maymar nurse not to sign for the doctor for some documents since she dont understand. Feeling like slapping that auntie. But laughed it off. Later, was told to go onto some bed that were like waist high. Removed my foot wear and was pushed into the Anasetic room getting a 30ml worth of dunno what the hell it is on my left fist. Followed by a fucking big needle on my fist again. Damn! Its the IV drip. Had really bad impression of that shit in china.

The anasatice told me that my leg will be as painful as hell when i become sobber and was told that he will numb my right leg, thigh onwards. He got 2 fucking 200ml(i think, the second biggest you can find in a pharmacy, 1 size smaller than the one u’d see ferran adria use to make apple caviar.) fully loading each to its max. I thought they were gonna jab into my IV drip which i think will be harmless. Nope. I was wrong. He came towards me and took some needle with a tube connecting to the stringe. Poked into my pelvis area and finished it in like 5 minutes? That was hell! Feeling my knee jumping like tiao tang(pocessed) and he later inject another on my knee. That was even worse. Hearing me screaming saying it hurt and he will go like sorry, sorry. Think he jab too fast. Almost to the end, my toes start jumping.

Not long later, i was pushed into the operation ward semi-consious where this young fucker in the changing room gave me some red coloured face mask and told me to breathe hard into that thing. And i did. Remembering it hurts my face due to the pressure, i fucked him telling him how to breathe hard since the pressure is so high. So he did something(i was almost dead then) and told me to breathe harder. After like 4 attempts, i am down.

Woke up like 13.30hrs the same day in a recovery ward, the first question was, what time issit. The next is, can i go to cheers? I wanna go buy something to eat. Am damn hungry.

Doze off for some time, woke up and asked the IV drip to be removed. They rejected and i threatened to remove it myself. Then i doze off again.

Was told by someone that i will be going back to ward 1 when i demanded the IV drip to be removed. But i doze off again. The next thing i remembered was that i was asked if i could get on the bed myself. I got on the bed and doze off again.

And the next time i woke up, i was told that they were gonna remove the IV drip.

That was 1530hrs when i was told to put my clothes on and go to see the physcio theraphy doctor when i was half fucked and told them that i have already seen them. Fine. Went there with a wheel chair which i have struggled a little to be there. Oh yeah. That auntie told me to change and i was like, how??!! So i took my boxers out and tried wearing. But failed. And was told to skip my boxers and wear my trousers. Ok. But was fucking tight on my right thigh since i am having some plastic braces on my knee.

So went to the psyscio theraphy ward and tried some clutches on. They were sure that i know how to use the clutches when theres theres this real hot therapist holding on my sholder incase that i fall. I was like… Er… Dont worry. I dont wanna crush on you. Still feeling confused.

After that 10 minutes theraphy, went back to ward when the other theraphist got me a pair of clutches and adjusted to my height. And awhile later, sis is here bringing me out of the hospital. Was dying for a puff. After doing the discharge papers, was pushed to the taxi stand where i was told to stay there while my sis was queing for a cab. In clutches, went to my usual smoking area in AH and started to puff. Damn! Almost puke! And while i was taking like 5 steps from the smoking area, i cant make it to walk another step and asked for help from a doctor(cos shes having some sethascope on her neck) and she just ignored me. FUCK! YOU ARE A FUCKING DOCTOR AND YOU IGNORE A PATIENT ASKING FOR HELP?! WHAT TYPE OF DOCTOR ARE YOU? And another guy whos possibaly a doctor behind me went to get help for me. Damn! What a relief to be on a wheel chair!

Got a cab and i gotta take up the whole role of back seat for me to kiao kah and got home. Was so tired that i just doze off the couch. That was like 1730 already. And woke up like 2130. Was given some instant noodles which suck like fuck. So i went back to the couch and slept till 3am when i wanted to go to the toilet. No choice but to ask for help. After getting to the toilet, feeling very sorry for grandma to give me so much help, i wanted her to go back to bed when she wanna see me sleep.

The next morning, just had some honey stars in milk and went back to sleep. So psp, surf the internet and watch tv was my day. Damn!

Will be stucked in this condition for at least 2 weeks!

Oh yeah. Steph came last night just to see me. Was sooo touched. Now, i know who my friends are.

Its the 6th time watching magic kitchen since feb 2004. Everytime i watch it, it would remind me of that special person in my life.

The movie that inspired me to be a chef. Not an ordinary chef but the best of the chefs.

Now i remember why would i pursue for a set of almost two thousand buck knife. Thanks to the sponsorship to the movie thou its just a Zwilling J.A Henckles Twin Pollux chef which is on the mid range of the knives. I should say, its not only the movie that had inspired me on the knife set but the quality of blade that i have been using since i was 12?

I had a nightmare some nights back which Jun was in. Her current boyfriend or whatsoever wanted her hands for dont know what reasons and chopped her right hand diagonally leaving her with only her thumb. Intending to chop her left palm also, i just stood there watching. I dont feel hurt nor i wanted to help her.

Maybe, its just what i feel i should not help her since she have been ‘playing’ with feelings all the while that i think she deserves it.

Operation on my right knee is just 44 hours away with 20% chances of dying. I was thinking for several days. Will i regret dying at this tender age? I should say, i will never regret. I have acomplished my objective in life and am living my life already to the fullest.

I am perhaps going happy go lucky, satisified with my life. I always wanted to truely love a person. I have done that. I wanted to be a chef. I have already fufilled it. I wanted to be free. I had that.

Things are never to be fair. It might not balance.

For instance, i want friendship, reletionship, freedom and career.

I am never able to fufill that.

With reletionship, i will never get freedom.

With career, there will never be reletionship and freedom.

With friendship, there will still be freedom and career.

You will never get the best of both world.

Thats why i want to cherish my life till the very end. Who knows i will die an hour later? Perhaps a day? Maybe a week? Lifes unpredictable.

If i am gonna die the next moment, i would eternally think about what i’ve done one day before i die. Maybe a week before i die. Perhaps a year.

I never wanna weep for a girl again cos’ its no use. Smile when things are gone. Even if you cry, they will never return.

If i am gonna die later(duh. i am not gonna commit sucide la), to all that loved me, i love u guys. for those who hate me, please forgive me. For those who don’t know me, cherish your life. You will never regret that.

Countdown to operation: 11 days 11 hours, 42 minutes.

I am having a feeling that the operation would leave me a real bad knee. I just feel uncomthable with this. Percentage of death is only 20% but i felt it would be 80%.

If anything happens to me, i would leave the world with nothing. I know i have few true friends. But it would be good enough.

I remembered this phrase which a friend has forward to me which was also recorded in my diary. ‘When i was born, i was crying and everyone around me smile. When i die, i would be the one who smile and everyone around me are crying.’

Who would cry when i die? I really wanna cherish them now before i go.

Lifes unpredictable i shall say. Recalling when i was 14 working in pizza hut, a friend named Thomas whom had told me that he loves my cooking. Thou its just bread sticks and garlic bread. It had encouraged me to persue into being a great chef. 2 days later, Jun ming called me telling me that Thomas’ dead in a car accident getting ramped by several vehicle in Malaysia. He was 22 then. This has thaught me how unpredictable is life.

If i leave this world today, maybe next week. Perhaps next year or maybe the next century. I really wanna leave this entry for the world. I have no will, i have no pocessions. I know the world will be short of one guy with a true heart.

I was thinking of all the people whom i loved. My grandma, who have took care of me when i was a baby. I love her but didnt know how to show.

Mei jun, the one whom taught me what is it like to love some one and to be love. Thou the time is short, i really cherish it. Your words may be harsh. But i know you have of a heart of toufu.

My friends, too much people to list. But the ones that know i cherished them, they know they are included. Guys! Thanks for giving me a helping hand when i really needed it. Really appreciated that.

I really don’t know what will happen to me after the operation. But lets wish me good luck. From what i have achived, i am happy but i am seeking for more achievements in life and will be a great chef one day, not disapointing late Thomas for that.